089: Living a Purposeful Life with John O’Leary

Welcome to season seven of Productivity Paradox a podcast  focused on using productivity not just to get more done, but to accomplish what’s  most important. Join Tanya this season as she focuses on cultivating happiness  through the power of productivity.  

To get her free checklist, Five Minutes To Peak Productivity, simply go to  Press.com/podcast. And now, here’s your host, Tanya Dalton  

Tanya: Hello, hello everyone. Welcome to Productivity Paradox. I’m your host,   Tanya Dalton, owner of inkWELL Press, and this is episode 89. Today, I   have a special treat for you, because I have an amazing guest on the   show that I absolutely know you’re going to love John O’Leary. Now, if   you’re not familiar with John, let me give you a little bit of his   background. When John was nine years old, he suffered burns over   100% of his body and he was expected to die. He’s now an inspirational   speaker, podcaster, and bestselling author, teaching more than 50,000   people around the world each year how to live inspired. I cannot wait for   you to meet John O’Leary. So let’s get started. Well, John, I am so   pleased to have you on the show today.  

John: Tanya, this is a thrill, so thanks for making time for me.  

Tanya: Absolutely, absolutely. All season long, we have been discussing  cultivating happiness in our lives. I know you encourage people to wake  up from accidental living and lead an inspired life. I think that a lot of  happiness that people experience comes from these intentional  

moments in their lives rather than just kind of making it through each  day. Often, we have to make these moments for ourselves. How do you  think that people can start leading a more intentional inspired life?  

John: Well, there’s a lot to that question. I think the idea of intentionality, just  because we know how to use that word doesn’t mean we actually know  how to leverage the power within it. When I was a child, and you know  the story of Tanya, but your audience may not, I was burned in a garage  fire on 100% of my body. It happened when I held a piece of paper up to  a can of gasoline modeling an experiment I had seen other little boys  doing.  

 We can come back to that story, but long story made very short,  decades later, my mom and dad wrote a whole book about that. In that  book that described what happened and they refer to it as John’s  accident, John’s accident. Although that is true, right, I was in an  accident as a child. What do you think happens, Tanya and listeners  when you hold a piece of paper that is on fire to a can of gasoline in a  garage? That’s not an accident. It’s a choice. It’s a sad choice. It’s a  tragic choice. We can unpack that, but it is a choice. I think too  

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frequently, we give up our choices to the Weatherman, to delays at the  airport, to challenges outside of our control. Intentionality and really  living a purposeful life is about embracing the miracle, the gift that is  alive and well within you every day, harnessing that gift and then living  into the best version of your life each day after.  

Tanya: Absolutely. I completely agree, because I really feel that life is a series of  choices, right? We have this learned helplessness that we don’t feel that  we have choices, that other people own our calendar or own our day  and that we don’t get to make choices. When making a choice is a  choice and not making choices is also a choice.  

John: Let me speak to that just for a moment. In the last United States general  election, and the one thing you never talk about on podcasts, of course  it’s politics, so let’s get into it right away. Whether you’re on the left or  right, it doesn’t really matter for the point I’m about to make. Only 39%  of the general population voted. The rest of the population, 61%, the  vast majority liked neither candidate, so they sat at home, making a  choice. They thought they were making a choice, showing everybody  how indifferent they were, but what they were really doing was they  were electing one person or they were going to elect the other one by  not participating. Just recognize in every choice or lack of choice we  make, we are making a choice and that matters. Don’t give that away to  some other voter, some other neighbor, some other leader within your  organization just harness the power of your life and the gift of these  choices we have in front of us.  

Tanya: Absolutely. I really think that’s so important to look around. I think  sometimes when we don’t feel like we have choices, we don’t push  those boundaries, we don’t push outside of that box to see that there  are opportunities to find happiness or is it to find the life that we really  want because we feel so boxed in. We often don’t feel empowered to  step outside of our current situation and really look at ourselves with  new eyes or with different eyes.  

John: Well, I agree. I love the term happy. I think what we’re seeking there, it’s  kind of twofold. One is contentment, just like the joy of the moment. The  second thing we’re looking for and happiness is that word I just used,  which is joy. I think happy. I have four kids, Tanya, but when I give them  my cell phone, they’re happy, and 15 minutes later when I tuck it away,  they’re sad. When I give them an ice cream cone, they’re very happy, but  if they eat too much to get a tummy ache or if it melts on their hands,  they get mad. This idea of happy is very fleeting. This idea of  

contentment, I think it’s so rich and that idea of joy, it’s not based on  something we get, it’s based more on a decision we make before that  thing even shows up in our life. It’s a decision we make on the front side  of a day.  

Tanya: I love what you said there about contentment. I think that’s so true.  There’s a lot of richness to that word, contentment. Feeling content. It  

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really, it’s almost like it stretches out and you’re able to really savor  those moments a regular basis. I think that’s so true. I love what you said  there.  

John: Awesome. Well, thank you. I’ll write it down and put your name below it.  

Tanya: Right? Anytime we say something good, we’ve got to write it down so  we don’t forget it, and we can remind everyone that we said it  

John: Well, I’m thinking about changing my name to Anon and so I can just  have credit for about half the great quotes ever spoken. Just refer to me  for the rest of the podcast as Anon. we’re going to move forward from  there.  

Tanya: That works. That works. Now we have discussed that sometimes for  some people, happiness doesn’t feel like it’s a choice, right? They feel  like that they can’t choose to be happy. You’ve obviously lived through a  very trying season of your life when you were almost killed in that fire, it  sounds like. When you had burns over 100% of your body, it must’ve  been really hard to find that happiness. You seem to have found a way  not just to cultivate it in your own life, but to inspire others to find it as  well. How do you think people can cultivate happiness after they go  through a traumatic life experience?  

John: Well, you ask awesome questions. Again, this one, there’s a lot of layers  to both the question and the answer. Rather than viewing it through first  the traumatic event, we can come back to that. I think if you can model  this in the little stuff, you’ll be able to tap back into it in the big stuff.  Sometimes the big stuff the cancer diagnosis, the explosion, the divorce,  that bankruptcy, the job loss that can awaken within us what we did not  know we had access to the entire time. It was always there. We just  never leveraged it. My encouragement to your listeners and to me  sharing this advice is don’t wait for it, don’t wait to get blown up, don’t  wait for the diagnosis, don’t wait for the divorce, don’t wait for it. Start  now.  

 How do you find happiness in the little stuff? I would encourage you, all  of us to recognize it’s a muscle. How do some people run a race? Well, I  bet occasionally they watch what they eat. I bet occasionally they rest  effectively at night. I bet occasionally they train up for it. I bet when the  race finally begins, they’re exhausted afterwards, but there they had  been training their entire life for that moment. Not dissimilar from that,  happiness is the same. The way you then expand your happiness gene, if  you will, is to, in my mind and you do a very good job teaching this to  your training, is to keep a journal. It’s a track where you’ve been, what  turns you off, what turns you on, what makes you happy, what fills your  heart with joy and contentment, and then expand that going forward.  

 I encourage my kids and my wife and our audience through it. We have  a podcast as well and you’re going to be on that. We have a speaking  

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platform. I encourage everybody that we have access to to take notes  on their life by asking themselves a question everyday, which is simply,  why me? Why me? Today, what am I grateful for? Today, what are the  talents that I have? What is the gift of the change in season? Fresh  water, hot water, the shower, clothes to wear, the freedom of our  citizenship, all these gifts that if we’re not careful, we miss. We won’t see  them until it’s too late, I think frequently. Rather than, like I said earlier,  Tanya were other than waiting, tap into that daily. It is a choice. You  have to be very intentional in it, but as you begin making this choice,  you’re going to begin to realizing and also that as that muscle stretches.,  it feels you not only with more gratitude and more happiness, but also  more joy, which is very sustaining.  

Tanya: Absolutely. I like what you said there about it really is the little things  that and we miss out on these opportunities for gratitude. I mean it is.  It’s the little things in life. The fact that we have access, I can guarantee  that all of my listeners have access to fresh water. There are millions of  people around this world who don’t. We forget to be grateful for the  fact that all we have to do is walk over to our sink and turn the tap. We  lose sight of that. I think that’s so true. I love that idea of the muscle  because it’s something you do have to strengthen app and you have to  continually stretch, right? Otherwise, it atrophies.  

John: When you and I were talking before we even hit record and went live  and just kind of getting to know each other a little bit better even, and  we talked about the media and how they’re so focused on what’s wrong  and bad and burning and all this stuff out there. You need to be aware  of it but not hyper aware of it. The point is that whatever you focus on  will expand. If you only focus on the shootings and the stabbings and  the fires and the tragedies, all that you will then see and feel and think  and act on are the shootings and the stabbings and the fires and  everything else to go with that. However, if you are also taking inventory,  the stuff that matters and you’re great at this, by the way, Tanya and the  things that you have that list and what it represents and the muscles to  bear even more that going forward and to share that with those that  you care for and love and influence that to shall expand. It’s a choice.  

Tanya: It really is. I think that we are constantly scanning our environment and  taking things in. It’s really the choice of the lens you want to view the  world with, right?  

John: Exactly.  

Tanya: Do you want it to be negative or do you want it to be a positive place? I  do think when you get really entrenched with things, especially the  news lately, it’s really hard to see the positive because there’s so much  negativity. Even right now is we’re bracing for a hurricane around here,  everything is so sensationalized. It’s easy to look at all the negativity  around us. There’s this concept called frequency illusion. It’s the idea  

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where, like when you’re wanting to buy a car and all of a sudden the car  that you are interested in is everywhere, right?  

John: Yes.  

Tanya: It’s at the stoplight, It’s at the bank. It’s at the gas station next to you.  That’s simply because your body or your brain is scanning constantly for  information. It’s picking things out. I love that idea of the muscle  

because if you’re training your brain to scan for what is positive and  what is good and which you are grateful for, I think that can really make  a huge difference in all the different areas of our lives.  

John: There was a study done, and your listeners can Google it later on, but  it’s called the Nun Study, so type that in later on. What they did is they  took a group of nuns, I think it was Sisters of Notre Dame, and these  ladies kept a journal of their lives for decades. You cannot find a more  qualified group of people who live similar lives. It’s a very controlled  group. They all wore the same uniforms, ate the same food, set, hung  out at the same convent, and taught the same kids. Some, it turned out,  would have these great long lives and others would die even younger. A  group of researchers collected all of the journals with the permission of  the order and they asked the question, did it matter how these women  view their days, because they ate the same food, slept in the same beds,  breathe the same air, taught the same kids. Did it matter how they  viewed those days and those training sessions and the food and the  sisters they lived and worked with? Did it really matter? What they  found was shocking.  

 I believe, those who are most negative, meaning commenting on how  lousy the kids were or what a pain in is to wear a habit or sleep in these  convents were alive at age 85, about 30% less frequently than those  who are more positive, more optimistic, more passionate about the work  they did. The only difference was the lens, to use the term you used  earlier, the lens with which they viewed their day. It has a profound  effect not only in longevity, which is nice if you want to live to be 100, I  think we should all strive toward it, but also we want to be influential in  your work and in your parenting and as a son, as a daughter, as a leader  in life.  

Tanya: I think that’s so true. I love that. I haven’t heard of that study, so I’m  definitely going to look that up. We’ll put a link to that in the show  notes. I think that’s fascinating. You’re right. That’s a very controlled  group.  

John: Totally.  

Tanya: They are eating the same things and wearing the same things and so it  really is this idea of the lens that we’re using. That’s a choice, as you  said. I think that one of the things that we forget to scan for when we’re  talking about these little things in our lives that are really big things that  

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we forget about. I think oftentimes we forget about the relationships  that we have with people and how grateful we are for the people that  we have in our lives that we want to have in our lives. We’ve been  exploring over the last few episodes, the importance of this idea of  connection with others. I think many people undervalue the relational  part of their lives in the all-encompassing pursuit of doing so much  more, right, in being productive in the traditional sense. They think they  have to do so much that they’re cramming their day’s full. They’re not  leaving room for the people they really love. I believe that connection is  the key, not just to productivity, but living this full and intentional life. I  know that in your book On Fire, you share that we need the right people  in our lives to help provide guidance at the right time. Can you tell me a  little bit about that?  

John: Yes, buckle up listeners. We’re going to spend the next hour and a half  talking about the people in my life, so a pour yourself a coffee or a stiff,  stiff drink and we’ll see where this goes. I think we learn an awful lot  from those who raised us, sometimes on what not to do. I mean we can  learn an awful lot on who we don’t want to be by our parents and  guardians and teachers. I was super blessed to learn exactly what to do  and who I wanted to be in and what actually matters in life from those  who are most influential to me as a little one. I’m one of six kids, but my  mom and dad raised us all. I think they’ve raised us extraordinarily well.  

 The story that I think is most appropriate for your question. My mom,  she just was … My mom was awesome and is awesome. She’s alive and  well. She was a tough lady. I got burned terribly and tragically at age  nine. Spent five months in the hospital after that, fighting to get out of  this thing, losing my fingers to amputation, coming home in a  

wheelchair. The key thing there is I came home, right? I made it. The  miracle took roots. I’m at home on Saturday night after coming home  earlier that day, my mother made my favorite dinner, which was au  gratin potatoes and chicken. I mean, I’m a strange kid, but that’s what I  loved. Au gratin, these cheesy, cheesy potatoes. They’re in front of me.  

Tanya: Sounds good to me.  

John: Oh man, they were awesome. Families around. Our golden retriever’s at  one side of the table. Life is good. We’re back to “normal.” The only  issue that night was, Tanya, I could not pick up a fork. I didn’t have  fingers to do it. My sister, Amy, who I know is listening to your podcast  right now, Amy grabs my fork, she scoops up some cheesy goodness,  starts moving it toward my mouth. On the way up about halfway toward  my mouth, I hear my mother from my right say, “Amy, put that fork  down. If John is hungry, he’s going to feed himself tonight,” I remember  looking to my right thinking, “What? What is she talking … How can I  possibly ever feed myself. Had she not heard what happened to me as a  kid. I’ll never ever hold a fork or do anything else for myself ever again,  but I’m home.” I called my mom out on that. She’s like, “Baby, if you’re  hungry, feed yourself.”  

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 The very truncated down story is this. By the end of dinner, I had cried  for probably two hours. My siblings were all already off doing their own  things. My father was putting a couple of them to bed. The dog was still  there begging for leftovers. My mom was at the head of the table  looking at me lovingly as a little nine year old boy in a wheelchair on a  morphine drip with no fingers was feeding himself potatoes. Now this is  a painful story. It was painful to live. It’s probably painful for some of you  to hear, but when you think about how do you encourage those around  us to become the best versions of themselves, it’s not by feeding them.  It’s not by doing the easy thing for them. It’s by reminding them,  sometimes painfully, that they can do amazing things, that we’re not  going to leave them, that we will walk with them every step along the  way, but you’ve got to pick up the fork. You got to do it yourself  

sometimes. My mom is exhibit A of a of the man that I became later on  in life, but the little boy that that led to that. She’s just an awesome  example of someone that I was able to lean into.  

Tanya: Yeah, that’s amazing. A lot of times, it’s a little bit of that tough love, but  at its heart, it’s about the love part of it, right?  

John: I know.  

Tanya: I know you said it was painful for you. It was painful for your siblings. I  guarantee that was painful for your mom. I can guarantee without  question that was a hard moment for your mom to do that and to say  that to you, but what a strong woman to really help push and encourage  you that way.  

John: I know you’re a mom, yourself. I’ve seen the pictures online. I’ve heard  about your love for your family. I remember that day as a child while  looking to my right and seeing through my own tears, my mom crying  and thinking to myself not verbalizing it, but thinking it, “What is she  crying about it? I’m the one that can’t eat here.” Then you become a  parent yourself or you grow in your own understanding of what  

empathy and compassion and real love is really all about and my gosh, it  was much, much harder for my mother to go through that then for me.  It just speaks volumes, I think of not only the kind of parents she was,  but the kind of leader she is.  

Tanya: I think that’s so true. Really, that’s such a great story honoring your  mom. I love that. I love the sound of your mom. She sounds like an  amazing woman and an amazing mother, so I can see why you turned  out to be such a strong person. I like what you said there about you felt  that way as a child and then we change as we get older and we shift our  perspectives, we begin to see things differently, right, as we become  clearance or as we take on these life experiences. I think that’s always  happening to us, this shifting of perspectives. I think that’s an important  part of finding happiness and allowing that to grow and to really flourish  in our lives. How do you think listeners can shift their perspective when  

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they’re dealing with trauma or a difficult life experience, so that it  doesn’t impact them in a negative way?  

John: Perfect. It’s another beautiful question. The first thing I would do is be  okay with the trauma, because that’s one of the words you used, shifting  your perspective and your life in a very negative way in the short term.  When you lose a spouse or you’re diagnosed with something or you lose  your job or the sale does not go through and you’re really upside down  financially, if that doesn’t bug you, you’re not paying attention. I am very  okay as a man, but also as a teacher, encouraging folks to be okay in  that struggle, in that despair, in that longing for something different  than what you currently have. Number one, be okay there, but don’t stay  there. I think the problem for many individuals and families and  

communities and our culture is we live as victims. That’s not okay. It’s  okay to be mad when you get burned, but it’s not okay to remain mad  the rest of your life. That is not okay. That’s your choice now.  

 How do you shift that choice up purposefully daily? I think victims love  to ask three questions. Do not write these down, because these are not  the ones I want you to write down. The first question that victims love to  ask themselves is, number one, why me? Why did I get burned as a kid?  Why did I lose my fingers? Why did my parents split? Why didn’t I get  what I needed from that first relationship? Why me? The second  

question they ask us, who cares? It’s that great question of indifference  that leads ultimately to death. That’s what they do. They cross their  arms, look down, don’t vote, don’t show up and ask who cares? Then the  third question is, what more can I do? I’m only one. I’m middle aged. I’m  not talented enough. I’m not connected enough. I’m not wealthy  

enough. I’m not gifted enough. What more can little old me do?  

 Today, and you know this to be true because you’re exhibit A of it,  Tanya, we ask three different questions. These ones are worth writing  down. They are worth asking daily. They will shift your focus daily. If you  do it daily, it’s going to shift your life, long term. Number one they ask is,  why me? Why am I so lucky? Why am I so blessed? Why am I here? Why  do I have the opportunity in front of me today? Why did the sun rises in  the east? Why did it push back the tides of darkness one more time?  Why me? The second question they ask is, who cares? Who cares if it’s  hard? It’s worthy. Who cares if I feel like I’m doing more and more and  more with less and less and less? I have this great opportunity in front of  me every day to become a better version of myself. It’s not easy, but it is  worthy and so am I. It’s a mission play. The third question is, what more  can I do? What more can I do to ensure tomorrow is even better than  today?  

 For those who are really leaning into their podcast right now, they may  have recognized that theme there. They’re the exact same questions,  but it turns out the manner in which you asked that question will  transform, like utterly transform what you see, how you feel, what you  think, your beliefs around it, the words you speak, the actions you take  

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and the results you get. I encourage our listeners and our platforms to  ask the question, why me in the morning. Who cares throughout the  day. And then thirdly and finally, and maybe most importantly, what  more can I do every night to ensure tomorrow is even better than  today? In that incremental shift done daily over time will, and you teach  this yourself, will absolutely transform your business, your relationships,  your spiritual journey, your marriage, your singleness, your lives.  

Tanya: Absolutely. I love how you’ve taken the same questions and you’ve  turned it on its head, which is shifting perspectives, right? It’s making a  choice to look at those questions in a different way. I love the way that  you inspire people. I love the way that you have turned what many  would see as a trauma or almost a life event into this springboard, into  really being a catalyst for change for so many. I know your podcast is  amazing. Your podcast is Live Inspired with John O’Leary. It helps  people live a more intentional life. I would love for you to tell my  

listeners a little bit more about that.  

John: Well, I mean, my whole life is just the sum result of grace and great  people showing up in my life. Really that … When I tell … I’m a keynote  speaker primarily. Now I travel the world and speak to audiences of  25,000 at a time sometimes and other times three girl scouts. I’m not  picky. I’ve been blessed to speak to some really, really, really significant  groups and now more than a million people live in audiences, 50 states,  17 countries. I don’t brag about myself. I don’t brag about how I eat  dinner with my own hands, that not. I brag about my mom and I brag  about the doctors and the nurses and the custodian, the therapist and  how they showed up and what my brother did when he saw me on fire  and what my dad did when he came into the emergency room and I  knew he was going to kill me because I played with fire and gasoline  and how we responded differently and how his response changed me. In  borrowing from all these great men and women, what they taught me,  and ultimately what it means for each of us.  

 Every step along the way, it’s actually a selfless play on reflecting  goodness back and then embracing what we can do with this in our own  lives. Well, if you ask yourself, so what more can I do to elevate this  message? It starts with speaking. Then I said, well, what more can I do? I  wrote a little book called On Fire. It became a number one national  bestseller, which is awesome. Then you’ve got to ask yourself, what  more can I do? We ask ourselves that question. We ask it daily. One of  the responses was what if you could create a cool podcast where you  interview the people that you look up to, you like Tanya, where you hear  their life story, where you talk about their mistakes and their failures,  what they learned and what it means for the rest of us listening at home  or at work or on the bus ride to either one, and so I’ve …  

 My very first podcast was 106 episodes ago with a lady named mom.  That’s very intentional. I didn’t bring her on because of her platform. I  brought her on because she’s the most influential lady in my entire life.  

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She’s just an amazing, amazing woman. Then I brought on the Dave  Ramsey and astronauts and actresses and people that I really respect. I  asked them about their life. It’s really cool. When people are real about  this, you will learn so much about who they became by who they once  were, because we’re the same person. It’s like a little ring in the tree.  We’re just a bigger version of ourselves today. The podcast has now  been listened to in more than 60 countries. It’s top 10 on iTunes  

Business. It’s an awesome show that has nothing to do with the host and  everything to do with our listeners ultimately, so it’s called Live Inspired  with John O’Leary. After they listen to your podcast, I hope they, if they  have any extra free time, they check us out over there.  

Tanya: Definitely, and I’ll be sure to post a link in my show notes so that  everyone can head over there. It has a great podcast. I would really  encourage you guys to give a listen, because it is so inspiring when we  strip away the facade of who people appear to be and you get to the  heart of who they really are and the struggles they’ve been through.  You, a lot of times, can see yourself in these people that maybe you look  up to or that you admire. I think that’s really inspiring. It’s, it’s an  

amazing podcasts, so I would definitely Google it.  

John: Let me just say a plug for the host today. The great Tanya Dalton will be  on this show soon. Yes, we do bring on people that I look up to and  respect. If you don’t know Tanya’s story, you’re about to note when you  check us out. I’m excited for that. You also made another really good  point there. What is most personal is also most universal. I think CS  Lewis wrote something like, you know, you have a good friend when you  share something extraordinarily personal about yourself and they look  back at you and the response is, “You too?” We think we’re the only  ones that struggle or we’re the only ones that have these thoughts or  we’re the only one’s addicted to this or that. The reality is we’re all doing  less and we’re broke but trying to get better together. I think the best  way to get better is to do it together. The best way to do it together is  to be vulnerable around it.  

Tanya: Absolutely. We’re all beautifully imperfect. I think it’s nice to see that in  other people. We see it an awful lot in ourselves. Well John, I really  appreciate you coming onto the show. I can’t tell you how much it  means to me that you made the time to come and speak to my listeners.  Again, I’m going to be posting the links, so you can get to know John a  little bit better on my show notes. Everyone be sure to listen in. All right.  Didn’t I tell you John is an inspiration. I’m so pleased he was able to  come onto the show. I hope that you really got a lot out of our interview  together. Now, I will have John O’Leary’s links to his podcast and his  social media on my show notes, so if you’d like to check those out, just  go to inkWELLpress.com/podcast and look for episode 89.  

 Next week on the podcast, we are going to be talking about  disconnecting so we can connect with others. We’re going to be  

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have a couple more episodes left in the season and I’m really excited  about how we’re closing it out. In the meantime, I would love to see you  in my Facebook group. Please feel free to get a request to join by going  to inkWELLpress.com/group. All right. Until next time, have a beautiful  and productive week.  

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